Last week I had the honor of being asked to call in to a Christian radio talk show out in California. Dr. Wilder was being interviewed and he wanted some of us who know the Life Model and Immanuel Process to be callers. It was a real adventure for me as I sat on hold for an hour listening to the interview and trying not to worry, while praying, about what I was going to say. My 90 seconds on the air went by quickly and it was very exciting, but after I hung up, my emotions were the kind that tell me there is something here I need to take to Jesus. I was feeling insecure and afraid that I had not done “a good enough job and maybe embarrased Dr. Wilder.”
A little later I got out my journal and started talking to Jesus, asking Him, “What do you want me to know about these feelings I had that I might have embarrassed Dr. Wilder? What made those feelings so big? What are they triggering from my past?”
As I sat quietly with Jesus, He brought to mind a memory of a time in high school when I was in a contest and had stage fright while doing a short monologue. I wasn’t devastated by this event, but since that’s what He brought to mind, I looked at it and asked Him, “Where were You when that was going on?” He told me, “I was behind the curtain smiling at your bravery to even try. It was not in your comfort zone. You handled it pretty well.”
So I sat with Him for a few more minutes, sensing that was not the deepest issue–then I asked, “What do I need to know about why I feel such a need for Dr. Wilder to say I did a good job?”
This time, Jesus reminded me of how many times I had done things both publicly and as ministry for others and received no appreciation, not even any feedback. I remembered that this topic had come up years ago when I was counseling with Dr. Wilder. At that time, he told me that I believed it was bad or prideful to want appreciation and affirmation. He then explained that wanting that is not bad or prideful, it is a legitimate need that we all have. When that need is not met, it hurts. I accepted that and remembered it over the years, but since it was coming back up, I guessed Jesus wanted to take me further with it.
As I continued in His presence, this is part of what He said:
“’A workman is worthy of his hire.’ I love you. You bring me joy all the time—just being you. I don’t see your lacks-I see your heart and how you long for others to know this Life Model and Immanuel Process and all that you have learned. And even if JW (Dr. Wilder) says you were “off” or that you embarrassed him, that would not change who you are to Me or your value to Me.
Just look at Me and see how I love you. I was right there in all those things you listed from the past, smiling with delight at your courage or creativity—your heart that just wants to “teach” and help others. Know that I say, “You did a great job. You are you and I can use you as you are. I used a donkey and can even make rocks cry out if I need them to. Bloom where you are planted. (smiling at me)”
Peace came to my soul as He spoke. And, yes, I know He is our audience of one and we are to focus on Him. But isn’t it wonderful how He wants us to share His love and show appreciation to one another—to even meet some of each others’ needs? It feels so good to receive appreciation and so good to give it as well. Appreciation even helps our brains.
As I closed my journal, I remembered three or four special times that I had been appreciated. The latest one was last week when a friend’s daughter thanked me for the ministry I’ve had in her mother’s life. That brought to mind another daughter who had thanked me for giving her her mother back. Those so warmed my heart– and I truly appreciated their appreciation.
So my radio debut ended on a good note because Jesus validated and comforted my pain and healed some more wounds from the past. And to top it off, the next morning I got an email from Dr. Wilder saying thank you for the call-in and how what I said made the Shepherd’s House phone ring off the hook, because I mentioned two things that he and the talk-show host had not been able to get to. Wow! Icing on the cake!
If you are interested in listening to the radio show, Dr. Wilder gives an extremely clear summary of what the Life Model and the Immanuel Process (my conversation with Jesus above) are all about. Go to this link and scroll down until you find the podcast for March 6, Hour 3. Dr. Wilder’s name will be in the writing underneath the correct podcast. www.kkla.com/frankpastore/podcasts